Honesty
by Broken325
Summary: After they return from Italy, Bella and Edward try to save what's left of their relationship. Can Bella let go of her pain and learn to trust him again? A slightly different take on how Bella and Edward dealt with his decision to leave her in Forks...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does**.** I only own the parts of this story not taken from her works.**

This story was born because, as much as I loved the entire Twilight series, I could pinpoint the exact moment I lost touch with Bella. We never really connected again after she blindly accepted Edward back after the visit to Volterra. I could not wrap my head around her reaction to the situation, so I wrote this to help myself make better sense of their situation.

It takes place at the end of New Moon after everyone returns from Italy. A slightly different take on how Bella and Edward dealt with the aftermath of his decision to leave her in Forks.

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_Bella_

This had to stop. As he stared down at me, waiting for me to fall asleep, I knew it was time. I was becoming too comfortable with his being here again, holding me with one arm and tracing his fingers over my body with his other. His icy cool skin sending chills down my spine. The sweet smell of his breath on my neck was driving me wild. Every moment he stayed I was just delaying the inevitable, making it harder to deal with the reality of our situation.

Nothing has changed, I told myself, he doesn't love you. Maybe, he never did.

He thinks he can again, because of what I had to go through to save him, but it won't last. He'll grow bored once again and leave. I lived through it the first time because a part of me always knew that I had never deserved him, and that sentiment would get me through the pain again, but the more I let his presence penetrate into the numbness that I had worked so hard to shield myself with the harder it would be to recollect once he was gone.

I should have dealt with this on the plane as we returned from Italy, but I was so tired that I didn't think I would be able to get through it. And then he didn't help by holding on to me like that and humming my lullaby into my ear with that soft, velvety voice. I spent the entire flight in his arms and never wanted the trip to end, but I should have had this conversation then and there. That was my first mistake.

My second was allowing his family to escort me back to Forks. I was already an 18 year old adult and therefore perfectly capable of flying by myself from Atlanta to Seattle. I tried to put up a small but unsuccessful protest. They wouldn't hear it and, thinking back, I don't blame them. It was half-hearted and I refused to let go of Edward for more than 30 seconds at a time. I must of looked scared and pathetic. They probably thought that it was my memories of Volterra that scared me, but I know it was because I was afraid of losing them.

Actually, that's not even true. I knew I would be losing them again; there was no way to stop that. I was afraid of what came after that, of going back to living without my other half. I was afraid of the darkness and the numbness that had enveloped my world since he left. I had worked very hard to try and convince Charlie and Renee and Jacob that I was recovering. I knew that wasn't true, but every day my fake smiles grew more and more convincing. The further back I fell, the more noticeable it would be and they would lose faith in my progress. I shouldn't do that to them because they cared about me so much.

That's why this had to stop. Now.

Taking a deep breath and silently gathering all of my strength, I sat up and swung my legs over the side of my bed, hunched over trying to collect my words.

He was immediately concerned and I felt him sit straight up. How was I supposed to start this? I could feel his gorgeous amber eyes burning holes into my back as I struggled to find the right words. Should I try to feign disinterest and pretend that I didn't really want him around anymore now that I was recovered? Was I even capable of it? Probably not, acting was never a strength of mine.

Maybe anger would work. I could try to make him believe that I was so angry over his leaving me and over his stupid, failed attempt to end his life over this incomprehensible sense of misplaced guilt that I never wanted to see him again. But, then again, my behavior hasn't exactly screamed suppressed rage lately, so he wouldn't buy it.

"Bella, what's wrong?" He tried to grab my hand but I pulled it away and grasped it with my other. Elbows on my knees, I cradled my forehead in my hands.

This was it. No turning back. I couldn't even look at him. Honesty, that's what it would have to be.

"We need to talk."

He looked at the floor. "I know."

My heart stopped. Of course he knew. It's not like he was cruel or cold hearted. Figuratively, at least. He was capable of love and full of compassion. He knew that he had hurt me and I knew that it hurt him to do it. But he knew that continuing the lie would only hurt more. A clean break, he had said at the time. That's what we needed again.

As much as I had been preparing my head for the conversation to come, my heart wanted no part of it. The part of me that was hoping he would stay, hoping that he could find something in me to love again, was crushed by his acknowledgement. He knew why he had to go and that meant he knew that he couldn't love me again.

"Good, then maybe this will be less difficult than I thought," I lied. I threw in one of my much practiced half smiles to try and remain convincing.

Suddenly, without my seeing how, he was in front of me, on his knees and taking both of my hands into his. They were cold and hard but they still sent the most thrilling sensation through my limbs. He looked up earnestly into my eyes and I stared back at him confused. How was this helpful? Maybe he was not going to be as cooperative as I had thought.

"I owe you an explanation."

"Edward, no…"

"Yes," he cut me off. This was going to be painful, but he obviously needed to get it off his chest. I still loved his so much I could never deny him this. "Yes I do. I honestly thought it was the best thing, the kindest thing for you…"

Nope. I definitely couldn't handle this conversation. Short, sweet and clean, that's what this needed to be. None of this would be helpful to either of us, I was sure of it. I must still look a wreck. I needed to convince him that I was ok without him feeling like he needs to talk me into it.

"Edward, you owe me no explanation. You were doing what you thought to be best, I am sure of it." He was staring at the floor again, so I put a finger on his chin and lifted his face up so his eyes met a genuine smile in mine. "You are a good man, a compassionate man, and I know that you never wanted to hurt me. I understand that now in a way that I couldn't grasp before. I won't deny that I didn't take it well at the time but that is my own fault, not yours. You let me down very gently, I was just too wrapped up in my own world to see it coming at the time. These last seven months have given me a perspective that I was not capable of last September."

He looked confused, not good. He wasn't buying it. I tried again.

"It was been wonderful to see you again." Wonderful… that was the understatement of the century. "It really has given me a sense of closure that I'd been missing." At the word 'closure' his eyes had hardened and he looked like, if he could have been, he would be sick. But I had a job to finish and I needed to finish it now.

"I am fully recovered from the trip to Italy," I said as firmly as I possibly could. I couldn't stop myself from shaking. "But I think we both know that the longer you stay in Forks the harder it is going to be when you do finally go."

I looked into his eyes and was greeted with nothing but a blank stare. I thought we were on the same page. Why was he acting this way?

"I would like the chance to say goodbye to them this time, but I thinks its best that you and your family get back to whatever life you are living now before it's too much disrupted."

He looked positively heartbroken. What had I done wrong? Why wouldn't he agree with me?

"You're asking me to leave? You don't want me to stay?" His eyes burned with the question. I didn't know what to say. "I know that I don't deserve your forgiveness and I will never ask for it. What I did was unpardonable, even if I thought it was for the best, but I won't deny that I was hoping…" He reached up, held my face in his hand and brushed my cheek with his thumb.

This was too much. "Edward I'm confused. I thought this would be easy for you. I'm trying to give you a clean break, to let you know that you can leave without all of that guilt on your conscience because I am going to…" I couldn't say be fine, because I think we both knew that wasn't true. "…survive. Look," I was gaining confidence now, this was what I really needed him to hear, "I am a human, Edward. One day I am going to die. It is inevitable. I may fall down a flight of stairs tomorrow. I may have cancer in 15 years or I may just slip quietly into the night at the ripe age of 85. I don't how it will happen but it will. And this is the part I need you to understand, Edward." I took a deep breath. "It won't be your fault. I will never feel as strongly as I did for you about anyone else, but that doesn't mean I can't find meaning and purpose for my life. So when the inevitable happens you can't just run off to Italy again and put your family through all of this."

I have no idea how long we stared at each other, trying to understand, but at some point he looked away. "Do you think I went to Italy because I felt guilty?"

"Why else would you do something so stupid?" I snapped back. It was a little harsh but this conversation was getting out of hand and I was frustrated.

He looked into my eyes again and they were full of so much emotion that I was immediately lost in them. All of my anger at him melted away and I was left only with anger for myself for hurting him like that.

"Bella," he grabbed my face with both of his hands and pulled me towards him, our lips almost touching. The sweet smell of his breath washed over me making any attempt at resistance futile. "Whether it was seven months or 70 years, I had never planned to outlive you by much. Any existence without you seemed entirely meaningless." He kissed me and I did not even try to stop him. As usual, I never wanted it to end and didn't even remember what had just happened until he pulled me away from him, too soon as always.

But I needed that to get my head back in the game. I pulled back, cautious and wary. "Edward, I'm confused." He wouldn't let me look away.

"I knew that trying to convince you I didn't love you would be the only way you would have a chance to move on, but I never thought you would believe me as quickly as you did. It hurt that you were able to discredit everything we had been to each other so easily. How could you think that I didn't love you then, that I don't love you still."

My fragile grip on the real world was faltering fast. Without think words started spilling out of my mouth.

"I never understood what you saw in me Edward." I didn't even try to stop the tears. "I always thought you were so far out of my league I shouldn't have been able to see you without squinting. You knew that. I was always waiting for the day when I woke up from the fantasy, waiting for the day when you would realize the mistake you made. Of course I believed it. I still believe it. You were very convincing and you didn't even have to be."

"It was a lie." He was getting frustrated now too. It just fueled my own anger.

"Which part?"

"Listen to me, and this is the truth. Since we first met, there has never been a moment when I didn't love you."

This was too much for my brain to handle. I got up and moved across the room, away from him. "Why are you doing this? Do you have any idea what I have gone through these last few months? You ripped to shreds any self confidence, any feeling of self worth I had, which was not much to start with. I hardly ate. I hardly spoke to anyone. I scream in my sleep so often that Charlie has stopped coming to check and see if I am ok. Finally, recently, I have begun to build back something that, on the outside, resembles a normal human life and now you come at me with this?"

He tried to interrupt but I was on a roll. My welling tears continued streaming unashamedly down my face. So much for trying to assure him that I was capable of being at peace without him.

"I don't think you can ever understand how broken I felt, how broken I still feel when I think of my life without you and your family. I will never be whole and I have accepted that and was trying my best to move on. Now you feel bad and want to think that you always loved me but you don't, Edward. You'll get bored again and move on and I will be left here alone again to…"

I couldn't even put words together anymore. My knees collapsed but I never hit the floor. He had caught me and had me in his arms in an instant. He laid me down on the bed and climbed on top of me, gently but with purpose, cutting off any future attempt at escape.

"Bella, what do I have to do to convince you that you're wrong? I left because I thought it was what was best for you. I thought you would have a better chance at happiness away from our monstrous existence and it killed me every single day that I was away from you. I was even beginning to contemplate coming back and begging you to make me whole again when Rose called. I know that I would have soon. For all of my arrogant belief in my supposed self-control, I was near my breaking point."

There was something so convincing in his eyes, full of concern and so gentle at the same time, that I could do nothing but stare at him and try to process what I was hearing.

"You have handled yourself in this situation so much better than I did and you have every right to be angry and to reject me. I promise that I will walk away if that is what you want, but I will not go until you understand that I am being entirely sincere. I would never say this unless I truly meant it because I would never ever hurt you like that."

I couldn't take my eyes away from his. The earnestness in them captivated me and made me really want to believe him. Did I want to believe him because it was true or did I want to believe him because I knew it would comfort him if I did? I was fighting two urges, one to give him everything he seemed to think he wanted by running back into his arms, and one to run far away and save myself the pain of a second, inevitable separation.

I wanted to understand. I am not sure when the realization hit me, because it came on so gradually. Eventually, I knew what I had to do and there was no other option. I couldn't even imagine how I could have thought differently.

"Edward…"

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**This is my first story, so any feedback would be helpful!!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does**.** I only own the parts of this story not taken from her works.**

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_Edward_

As I laid there staring at the most beautiful creature my vampire eyes had ever beheld, I did not even try to silence the echo of a voice screaming in my head. _You do not deserve her._

Charlie was right. I did not deserve her. I had hurt her so deeply and yet, here she was, lying in my arms seemingly content. I let go of her with one hand and began to trace the lines of her body ever so gently with the tips of my fingers. It was good to know that separation had not diluted my much practiced gestures designed to indulge my constant need to touch her without crushing her under my super-human strength.

Ever since I had gotten over the shock of seeing her come to my rescue in Italy I had been waiting for a surge of anger, of scalding hatred. If I was being honest with myself, I wanted it as much as I expected it. I knew I deserved it and the longer she held back the more I worried it wouldn't come. She should be angry. She should hate me. It was utterly unpardonable, what I did to her. If she somehow didn't it would only speak volumes to her character and her understanding and separate her even more from my worthlessness. The thought of her holding no resentment whatsoever, of just being so happy that I was back, that I saw safe, was maddening and thrilling all at the same time.

But still, she should hate me. The images that reeled through Charlie's head when he saw me after we got back, of my Bella not eating, not talking, not taking joy in anything… my jaw clenched as I held back a shudder. The worst was the image of a man, almost a giant he was so huge, carrying a nearly dead looking Bella out of the woods I left her in. She could see the house when I walked away but she must have wandered around and gotten lost before she tried to make it home.

I would have to remember to find out who this giant man was. He looked Native American in Charlie's head and that was not a good sign. I also needed to tell Carlisle. But that was quickly pushed out of my mind because I had a more pressing matter to attend to.

I needed to have this conversation. Was it selfish, bringing up something she obviously did not think needed to be said? Probably. Then again, our entire relationship was characterized by my selfish inability to leave her alone to live a normal, happy, _human_ life so could one more selfish act really do that much harm? Like an addict, I was trying to rationalize one more indulgence, swearing that I would start fresh tomorrow and never be tempted into the act again.

Ugh. One more reason she was too good for me. I was trying to find the right words to start when she moved. She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat there hunched over. She looked like she was going to be sick.

Immediately my head started racing. What had I done? Had I hurt her some way? Was she sick? Sometimes food poisoning took a few days to cause a problem, had she eaten something sketchy in Italy or on the plane? I knew I should have paid more attention to those details. If I had yet again found a way to unintentionally hurt her…

This was infuriating! If only I could hear her. If only her mind was not silent to me like I wished everyone else's would be. What a cruel twist of fate. The only head I wanted to be inside was the only one that had ever been closed to me, probably forever. If I knew what she wanted, no what she needed to hear from me it would make what was coming next much easier. That's how it always worked with everyone else. Then again, that was the beauty of Bella. Things with her never worked the way they did with everyone else.

"Bella, what's wrong?" I wanted to comfort her. I reached for her hand but she pulled it away before I could. This was it. It must be. It was comforting to think that we had both been trying to start the same conversation and terrifying to think where it might lead. She was cradling her forehead in her hands now, staring at the floor, probably searching for the same words that had eluded me.

"We need to talk."

My eyes fell. _You deserve this,_ I reminded myself. Take it like a man, like the man she deserves you to be. I was ready. "I know."

Neither of us moved. I assumed that she wanted to start, but her hesitation was maddening. Maybe I was wrong, maybe she expected an apology first. She took a deep breath.

"Good, then maybe this will be less difficult than I thought." I could see her pathetically attempt a half-smile. This was definitely a sign that I should start. She was stalling, waiting for me to say something.

Instantly I was on the floor in front of her, holding the hand of the woman I had scarred. I wanted to start with an apology but thought the better of it. An apology might be taken as my asking for her forgiveness, a situation I did not want her to feel pressured into. If she wanted to forgive me it should be a decision she makes on her own time. An idea came to me, a way to start the conversation.

"I owe you an explanation."

"Edward, no…" She looked like this was not what she was hoping to hear. Stupid, silly boy! You do not deserve this gentle, selfless creature.

"Yes, yes I do." Her pulse raced and her breathing grew heavy. "I honestly thought it was the best thing, the kindest thing for you…"

She was shaking her head furiously and had her eyes shut tight, though she hardly seemed conscious of it. Then her eyes snapped open and she opened her mouth to speak, taking control of the conversation. I braced myself for the verbal assault that was sure to be coming my way.

"Edward, you owe me no explanation. You were doing what you thought to be best, I am sure of it." She must be warming up, testing me to see how much I can take. Leave it to Bella to worry about me in a moment like this. I did not deserve this; I didn't even deserve to look at her. I was vaguely aware of her hand until it touched my face. She was lifting my chin up towards her. She wanted to look me in the eye. I was floored by what I saw in those chocolate brown eyes when I met them.

She was smiling… genuinely smiling. What on earth could be the meaning of this? "You are a good man, a compassionate man, and I know that you never wanted to hurt me. I understand that now in a way that I couldn't grasp before. I won't deny that I didn't take it well at the time but that is my own fault, not yours. You let me down very gently; I was just too wrapped up in my own world to see it coming at the time. These last seven months have given me a perspective that I was not capable of last September."

How was this even possible? Was the love of my life, a woman I abandoned in the woods to God only knows what fate, actually trying to make _me _feel better? She was honestly trying to rationally explain to me that she had somehow accepted that decision and come to terms with it. Her capacity for goodness was beyond what even I had given her credit for, and I was pretty generous. What could I ever do to redeem myself in the face of someone so… perfect? I would never be worthy of her.

"It was been wonderful to see you again." Wonderful… try exquisite. "It really has given me a sense of closure that I'd been missing." I almost choked at the word. _Closure._ It was starting to make sense. She was able to be calm because she had already decided that she could never forgive me and now was going to politely ask me to leave. The room starting spinning around me.

"I am fully recovered from the trip to Italy," she said firmly, though she was visibly shaking. "But I think we both know that the longer you stay in Forks the harder it is going to be when you do finally go."

I couldn't move, couldn't think. I tried to wrap my head around what was happening. She wanted to banish me from her life, desert me as I had deserted her. But this was different. I deserved the desertion, she hadn't.

"I would like the chance to say goodbye to them this time, but I thinks its best that you and your family get back to whatever life you are living now before it's too much disrupted."

Oh how very Bella. She was worried about protecting my family and our newest lie of a life. How could I have done this? How could I have hurt his gentle, wonderful creature so deeply that she couldn't even stand my presence any longer. Actually, in a sick way that made perfect sense to me. I couldn't stand my presence any longer either.

"You're asking me to leave? You don't want me to stay?" I needed to hear her say it but she looked confused. "I know that I don't deserve your forgiveness and I will never ask for it. What I did was unpardonable, even if I thought it was for the best, but I won't deny that I was hoping…" I couldn't bring myself to finish the thought. I held her face in my hand and brushed her cheek with my thumb, hoping for something I now knew I couldn't have. I broke out of my daydream when she started to speak.

"Edward I'm confused. I thought this would be easy for you. I'm trying to give you a clean break, to let you know that you can leave without all of that guilt on your conscience because I am going to… survive. Look," she was getting eager now, "I am a human, Edward. One day I am going to die. It is inevitable. I may fall down a flight of stairs tomorrow. I may have cancer in 15 years or I may just slip quietly into the night at the ripe age of 85. I don't how it will happen but it will. And this is the part I need you to understand, Edward."

She paused and took a deep breath. "It won't be your fault. I will never feel as strongly as I did for you about anyone else, but that doesn't mean I can't find meaning and purpose for my life. So when the inevitable happens you can't just run off to Italy again and put your family through all of this."

If I had a heartbeat it could have been heard from miles away. I couldn't pull my eyes away from hers as I tried to understand. She thinks I ran to the Volturi because I felt guilty? True, I felt guilty about abandoning her, about disrupting her life by aspiring to be a part of it in the first place, but that was not the guilt she was talking about. She thought I felt like I drove her to jump off that cliff. Again, that was true, but that was not what made my decision to go visit the Italian coven. She couldn't really think that… could she?

"Do you think I went to Italy because I felt guilty?"

"Why else would you do something so stupid?" It wasn't as much a response as a retort. She was getting angry with me. I loved it when she got angry, when she tried to look fierce. It always reminded me of a kitten who thought she was a tiger. Unrestrained love for her swelled up within me from the place I had been desperately trying to bury it. Then her anger started to melt before my eyes, probably cursing me for dazzling her again. She needed to know why I went there. She deserved the truth from me and, selfishly yet again, I needed her to hear it.

"Bella," I was on a roll now. I grabbed her face with both hands and pulled her towards me. I every microbe in my body wanted to kiss her but I stopped just short of touching her lips. To my surprise, she didn't try to pull away. "Whether it was seven months or 70 years, I had never planned to outlive you by much. Any existence without you seemed entirely meaningless." I had almost no control left as her scent flooded over me, burning my throat as I breathed her in. The pain became exquisite as I let my lips touch hers, charging through my body like thousands of watts of electricity. I wanted to go further, further than I had ever let myself go before, but knew that I wasn't in control of myself enough for that right now, not while she was trying to convince me to leave her again.

As I pulled away she snapped out of her daze. She leaned back and looked baffled. "Edward, I'm confused." She tried to look away but I wouldn't let her. I needed those eyes, those beautiful windows into her soul to help me understand her. I needed her to understand me, too.

"I knew that trying to convince you I didn't love you would be the only way you would have a chance to move on, but I never thought you would believe me as quickly as you did. It hurt that you were able to discredit everything we had been to each other so easily. How could you think that I didn't love you then, that I don't love you still."

She was going to cry soon, I could smell the salt in her tears before they came pouring out. I did it again. I upset her. Was there no end to my cruelty?

"I never understood what you saw in me Edward. I always thought you were so far out of my league I shouldn't have been able to see you without squinting. You knew that. I was always waiting for the day when I woke up from the fantasy, waiting for the day when you would realize the mistake you made. Of course I believed it. I still believe it. You were very convincing and you didn't even have to be."

"It was a lie!" Why couldn't she see that?

"Which part?" The obstinate kitty-tiger melted my frustration instantly.

"Listen to me, and this is the truth." I never needed her to believe me more than I did at this moment. "Since we first met, there has never been a moment when I didn't love you."

She got up and stormed across the room. As soon as she turned around I knew what was coming. This is what I had been waiting for ever since we got back from Italy and I was never more ready to hear it.

"Why are you doing this? Do you have any idea what I have gone through these last few months? You ripped to shreds any self confidence, any feeling of self worth I had, which was not much to start with. I hardly ate. I hardly spoke to anyone. I scream in my sleep so often that Charlie has stopped coming to check and see if I am ok. Finally, recently, I have begun to build back something that, on the outside, resembles a normal human life and now you come at me with this?"

I took a deep breath and prepared myself to reply, but she wasn't finished yet.

"I don't think you can ever understand how broken I felt, how broken I still feel when I think of my life without you and your family. I will never be whole and I have accepted that and was trying my best to move on. Now you feel bad and want to think that you always loved me but you don't, Edward. You'll get bored again and move on and I will be left here alone again to…"

No. This was not acceptable. I could handle all of her accusations except for this one. I deserved the rest, but not this one. Just as I had done when I left her, I found myself trying to understand how she could possibly still deny the ferocity and extent of my love for her. Thinking I didn't love her nearly destroyed her these last seven months and it was an atrocity that I would no longer allow to continue.

Her knees began to give out. I swept her up and carried her back to the bed, laid her down and carefully positioned myself on top of her. I wanted her to be comfortable but I also didn't want her to try to get away. We were not moving from this room until she understood how completely wrong she had it.

"Bella, what do I have to do to convince you that you're wrong? I left because I thought it was what was best for you. I thought you would have a better chance at happiness away from our monstrous existence and it killed me every single day that I was away from you. I was even beginning to contemplate coming back and begging you to make me whole again when Rose called. I know that I would have soon. For all of my arrogant belief in my supposed self-control, I was near my breaking point."

She just stared up at me like she was trying to wrap her head around what she was hearing. Maybe it was just wishful thinking, but I thought she looked torn between letting herself believe what she was hearing and wanting no part of it. I hoped the former would win out.

"You have handled yourself in this situation so much better than I did and you have every right to be angry and to reject me. I promise that I will walk away if that is what you want," I almost believed it, too, "but I will not go until you understand that I am being entirely sincere. I would never say this unless I truly meant it because I would never, _ever_ hurt you like that."

Every nanosecond felt like a lifetime as I waited for her answer me. I was not sure if I could really walk away from her if she asked me to, but I owed it to her to try. I could see the battle raging in her eyes as she tried to decide what to do. There was nothing else I could say to try and convince her. I had laid my happiness in her hands and had no further control over the outcome. Any possible chance at a fulfilling life was now in the hands of this tiny angel that I was lying on top of.

I could tell she had made her decision. This was it, my sentence was being handed from the most worthy of judges.

"Edward…" She didn't know what to say and she looked torn. She was leaving me. I should have known, it's not like I deserved any different. While I began to see visions of my existence without her she did something I did not expect. The burn in my throat made me suddenly aware of her lips on mine. They were soft but not eager, a goodbye perhaps? I savored the moment, knowing it would be my last and then pulled back to stare into her eyes once more.

"I believe you."


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does**.** I only own the parts of this story not taken from her works.**

_I wanted to understand. I am not sure when the realization hit me, because it came on so gradually. Eventually, I knew what I had to do and there was no other option. I couldn't even imagine how I could have thought differently._

"_Edward…"_

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_Bella_

There was a part of me that screamed I would regret this decision for the rest of my life, but I looked in his eyes and knew there was no other option.

"Edward…" I couldn't find the words. He looked so anxious. I leaned forward and kissed him again, sealing my fate. This would probably end in an even bigger heartache than it did the first time, if that was even possible, but I knew there was no way I could live the rest of my life without wondering what could have been if I had just given him a second chance. I had thought I was doing the selfless thing, by appeasing his conscience rather than my own, but deep down I knew that wasn't true. I wanted him back more than he could ever have wanted me and I was doing this as much for myself and I was for him.

I was so lost in thought that I hardly noticed when he pulled away from me. The look on his face said that my meaning had not been clear.

"I believe you." I almost believed myself. Relief exploded across his face as he kissed me again and again, always pausing long enough to regain his control, but going deeper and deeper each time. This was the most unguarded he had ever been with me and I didn't want it to end. The taste of him was so deliciously intoxicating that it made me forget his betrayal and my own long enough for me to be truly happy for the first time since before my last birthday. Eventually we stopped and I slipped into a deep, dreamless sleep.

_____

The first thing I felt the next morning was the nausea. I started to question myself but stopped. His arms were still around me. He hadn't left. That had to be a good sign.

I took a deep breath and reminded myself that he wouldn't be here if he didn't love me. "Good morning, my love," his voice sang to me and brought a genuine smile to my lips. I turned to greet him.

"It is good. The best morning I've had in a long time." I wanted to reassure him that I hadn't changed my mind.

"Me too." He kissed my forehead gently.

I moved to get out of bed and he tried to pull me back. "Not so fast, Ms. Swan."

"I'll be right back. Human minute…"

"I'll be right here waiting for you when you get back." His look conveyed a meaning that I understood perfectly well. The nausea rose within me again as I practically ran down to the bathroom.

I didn't throw up but I still felt like I could. I brushed my teeth quickly and then splashed some cold water on my face. My eyes caught their reflection in the mirror and gazed back as I leaned closer, my hands grasping the sink. I tried to scold myself into snapping out of this.

_Give him the benefit of the doubt. He wouldn't do this if he was sure he couldn't love you forever. He knows you're still scared but he is here and he has promised to stay here and that is what matters. He is a good man; he doesn't want to hurt you. You already committed to this, he's trying to make it work and you should too. Trust him. _

It sounded so easy. Just trust him. But something within me just wouldn't let go of that empty fear that he would do it again. It's not that I didn't think he was trying. I really did believe that he was telling the truth. Instead, I doubted my own ability to hold on to him, to continue to be worthy of him even while he insisted that it was he who somehow didn't deserve me. He only lied to protect me. I had to keep reminding myself that.

Ugh! Was I so broken, so shattered that even Edward couldn't make me whole again? Would I ever be able to fully trust him again? I saw myself anxious at the thought of any minute spent apart from him. What would I do when he had to go hunt, which would probably be soon? I could see myself pacing back and forth every minute he was out, wondering if he would be coming back. It would be maddening to both of us.

I started to cry. I couldn't help it, I was just so mad at myself. Why couldn't we just go back to the way things were? It was my fault, I was holding us back by holding myself back but it didn't seem to matter how much I wanted to just let it go because I couldn't. Crying quickly turned into sobbing because I forgot to breath.

"Bella?" I heard a tap at the door and knew I was busted. Vampire hearing had its drawbacks.

"Come in," I tried to say, but it came out as a whisper. He heard me anyway and had me wrapped up in his arms instantly. Somehow he was simultaneously planting kisses on my neck and wiping my eyes and cheeks dry. He didn't speak, he just held me until I stopped. We sat there on the floor in silence. He had put a soft towel between us to keep me warm.

"I'm so sorry. I'm trying…"

"Bella," he growled, "you do not owe me any kind of apology. Now or ever. I could spend the rest of my life apologizing to you and it would never make up for what I did."

My heart stopped. _I could spend the rest of my life…_ That was it. _The rest of my life… _ Those words echoed in my head over and over again. I knew at once what was holding me back. He was still talking, something about not realizing how deeply he had hurt me but I couldn't pay attention. _The rest of my life…_ He wouldn't have to spend the rest of his life apologizing to me, just the rest of mine.

He hadn't talked about what Aro saw through Alice since we left Italy. He had avoided the subject around me when Emmett brought it up and again when Alice tried to say something. He still didn't want to do it, even after everything we just went through. I hadn't really thought about it before now, I had just taken it as proof that he didn't plan on sticking around. Alice seemed so certain but I suppose that was because I had decided that it was what I wanted. I would make sure it happened, if given the opportunity, but what if it wasn't offered to me?

That was it, the core of my nagging reluctance. In my head, making me a vampire was making a commitment to want to spend not just my lifetime with me, which would pass fairly quickly to an immortal, but a commitment to spend eternity with me. It wasn't fair to think it but without my transformation in the mix, part of me would only be able to see our relationship as him putting up with me until I die.

_No Bella. He almost ended his life because he thought you were dead. He loves you, why can't you just be happy?_

But I couldn't make that initial suspicion go away, that it was actually guilt that drove him to beg Aro and his brothers to take his life. It wouldn't go away until he agreed to change me. I was sure of it.

"The rest of your life or the rest of mine?" He was in the middle of a sentence but I cut him off.

"What?"

"You could apologize to me for the rest of my life or the rest of yours?"

"Bella…"

"It's a simple question."

"Is that what this is about?"

"You've avoided the subject since we got back. Between what happened on my birthday and what Aro threatened in Italy, I think there is evidence enough that it would be for the best."

"Bella you know why I don't want to do it."

"Yes, you're worried about my soul." I couldn't keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

"That's not fair." He was right but it was too late now.

"You know I don't feel that way and I don't see you as the monster that you call yourself. I am sick of being babied constantly, of being told that I can't do this or that because I am too fragile. I am sick of holding you back and worrying constantly that your family will come to some kind of harm because they are keeping a pet human in the house."

"Bella we would gladly face any threat to keep you safe."

"But why can't you understand that I would never ask you to when there was an alternative. It kills me that I have to. They all, well maybe not Rose, but everyone else… they want this for me. But you don't. I feel so helpless, like I have no control over my own life. I can't stand it sometimes. This is my life we're talking about and I'm tired of not being the one that gets to decided what happens to it."

"If you truly believed that something would damn for eternity the soul of the person you loved more than life itself, would you do it?" He sounded hurt.

"If it meant keeping that person safe and…" I knew I shouldn't finish the thought but he needed to hear it, "…and being able to spend more than a few human years with them I would at least be willing to consider it."

"You think I haven't considered it?" He was whispering in my ear. I could tell by his tone that his face would have been anguished. I was thankful that I couldn't see it. He pulled me in closer. "You think I haven't struggled with the thought of it every single day? Nothing, absolutely nothing, would make me happier than to spend eternity with you. I know even more than you that a human lifetime would never be enough with you but I felt like I was saving you from a fate worse than that by insisting you not be changed. I always saw it as my saving you from something you didn't know you never wanted, not as my holding you back or trying to control you."

This was it. If there were ever a perfect moment for an ultimatum it was now. I summoned my courage and laid all of my cards on the table. If he did not accept my terms, I was pretty sure we wouldn't make it. I knew that I would never be able to give him 100% of myself unless he agreed to it. I took a deep breath.

"Edward, I need you to understand that we'll never get over this unless we can agree here and my mind is unchangeably made up. It was made up the moment I decided to tie my fate with yours." I turned my head so I could look into his eyes. "I need you to do this for me and I need you to do it before I get too much older."

He just looked at me and I couldn't read his expression. I continued to try and look firm, reminding him that I was not willing to accept anything less than the terms I had just offered.

"Can we negotiate?"

"I won't change my mind."

"I can see that." It obviously pained him to say it. "And I will agree," I drew in sharp breath that made him smile ever so slightly, "if you promise me two things." I was suspicious at once. "First, you must put up with my trying to talk you out of it because I will never stop worrying about your soul."

"I can agree to that as long as I am only putting up with talk and not with intentional stalling." He smiled, a good sign.

"Agreed."

"And second?"

"We need to go back to your room." He picked me up and swiftly carried me back to the bed where he sat me down on the edge. Fast as lightening, he went to his jacket and pulled something out of the pocket. It was a small blue velvet box and I was very confused… until he dropped onto one knee in front of me.

"Oh my…" Suddenly it was getting harder to breathe again. My chest was so tight I was sure it would explode if I tried to move at all. That didn't stop me from scoping out all possible exit routes before he drew my attention to those beautiful amber eyes.

"My second term is this: Isabella Swan, would you make me the happiest man that ever walked this planet and consent to be my wife?"

Oh crap.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Thanks for the great feedback, I really appreciate it. I've never done this before so it's really encouraging.  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does**.** I only own the parts of this story not taken from her works.**

_While I began to see visions of my existence without her she did something I did not expect. The burn in my throat made me suddenly aware of her lips on mine. They were soft but not eager, a goodbye perhaps? I savored the moment, knowing it would be my last and then pulled back to stare into her eyes once more._

"_I believe you."_

____________________________________

_Edward_

For a brief second my world stopped. She wasn't leaving? She was obviously apprehensive but she wasn't leaving. This was something I could work with, something I deserved. I would have to work to rebuild her complete trust again, and that was something I was more than willing to do.

Relief besieged my body and I bent down to kiss her again. This time she responded with the eagerness I missed the last time, the eagerness I remembered from before. I went farther, kissed deeper than I ever had before. It took everything I had to pause now and then to regain my head and give her time to breathe but all I wanted was to be closer and closer to her, reassuring her that I was never going to leave again. It was the complete perfectness of the moment that allowed me to do it. She was so lovely and so eager and her soft moans and gasps set my skin on fire.

But, of course, what we both wanted at that moment was something I was unable to give, so I began to hum her lullaby in her ear between and during our always too short embraces until she slipped off to sleep.

As I gazed at her again, the moonlight shining in the window dully reflecting the warmth of the brown in her hair, watching her sleep, I began to contemplate where we would go from here.

I was going to have to take on a second consciousness, one that ensured that my every action was geared towards regaining her trust and reminding her that I have always loved her. Every look, every touch, every minute of every day needed to be centered around Bella. It shouldn't be too hard. She has been the center of my universe since I first caught her scent that fateful day in biology. But my problem seemed to be unintentionally hurting her by doing things I thought were for the best. That would have to stop.

But how? I always thought I was doing the right thing but it usually turned out to be the wrong thing in her eyes. The only thing I did knowing it was wrong was stick around in the first place, befriending her, and I know that if you asked her she definitely would not have put that one in the wrong category.

Maybe that was my problem. As much as I wanted to think that I had always given her a choice about me, about us, I had spent so much time making decisions for her without actually asking her what she wanted. It's true that I could hardly help it. She just doesn't realize how… _fragile_ she is and what it would do to me if I allowed her to be hurt in some way. But I should give her more credit for being able to take care of herself. Not only did she make it through seven months without my protection alive, she did with a broken heart, my fault, while controlling and handling herself with a grace and maturity that outdid even what I knew she was capable of before.

I had so much to learn from this delicate angel who was lying in my arms. I needed to do everything I could to protect her, but she needed to be involved in the decisions I made about… no, we made, about her life. She has shown in more ways than one that she is capable of it and I needed to do a better job of respecting that. Bella gets a say, that would be my new mantra and it should help with my unintentional tendency to harm her.

But that alone would not regain her trust. I needed something else, something to prove that I wasn't leaving again, that she was wrong to think that I could ever grow bored with her or that she didn't deserve me. She was so wrong about that one. An image flashed into my head, one that I had envisioned for her long ago when I was trying to stay away from her. Bella, dressed in white, walking slowly with an angelic smile on her face that lit up every part of her face. I had imaged her walking towards someone else at the time, some normal, human boy who could never be good enough for her, but this time I knew it was me waiting for at the end of the aisle.

Was this my answer? Of course it was. I intended to spend the rest of my days with her and nothing would solidify my intended commitment more eternally than marrying her. Nothing would also make me happier than her condescending to spend her life with me, but that was definitely not what this was about. A marriage is eternal, unbreakable. Well, some humans thought so but Bella and I were above those notions. Surely she would see how serious I was about sticking around if I wanted to marry her.

I was determined. I would ask Bella to be my wife. I thought of my mother's ring, home in a safe in my closet and knew I had to get it. I wanted the moment to be perfect when I asked her and that moment could come up at any time so I needed to have the ring with me at all times. Checking to make sure she was sound asleep, I slowly got off the bed and moved to the window, gazing at her once more before I jumped to the ground and ran home.

____________________________________

Alice already told them. I should have guessed she would be excited. They were all waiting for me in the living room when I reached the front porch. Even Rosalie was there and, though she was against the plan, she wasn't going to try to talk me out of it. That was a good sign.

Alice's thoughts weren't even coherent yet. I knew she would be ecstatic to have Bella as a sister. I could see pictures flashing through her head of them shopping together, laughing together, planning the wedding, though I knew from experience there wouldn't much of that done together. It was overwhelming so I tried my best to tune her out. Not to mention, I didn't want to get my hopes up. I still hadn't asked, which meant she still hadn't answered. I remembered the apprehension in her eyes and told myself not to get my hopes up. She might still change her mind about me. She deserved better than me anyway.

Coming in a close second in the happiness category were Esme and Carlisle. They loved Bella like a daughter already and had missed her almost as much as I had. Carlisle wasn't just happy though. I paused with my hand on the door before I pushed it open to let his thoughts sink in.

_I am so proud of you for making this decision, son._

Carlisle was proud of me for a lot things I didn't deserve, but his approval of this decision solidified it in my mind. This was the right thing to do. I just knew it. Trying not to be overwhelmed by the force of their joy, I walked through the door to face them. It was impossible not to smile, especially at the sight of Alice and Esme, embracing on the couch one second and embracing me the next. Emmett and Jasper were beaming and even Rose couldn't sit there unaffected.

It was a rare gift to be able to bring this much happiness to the people I loved so much. I knew that it was not just Bella I had hurt when I asked them to uproot their lives for me and leave Forks, leave Bella. It wasn't just Rose who was resentful. Alice and Emmett were, too. Jasper was angry that Alice was always in such a bad mood. Esme was heartbroken and Carlisle was… I knew he was disappointed but if I couldn't have seen inside his head he would never have admitted to it.

But now he was proud. I was doing the right thing, marrying Bella. _Hopefully_ marrying Bella, I quickly amended.

"She hasn't said yes yet," I tried to remind them.

"She will." Sometimes Alice was not as helpful as she thought she was.

"She's still very apprehensive. She says she believes me when I say that I left because I loved her and not because I got bored, but I can tell that she's still not 100% sure…"

My words drifted off as I caught something else in everyone else's thoughts. My proposal wasn't the only thing Alice had told them about. In everyone's head was that haunting image yet again, one I was growing weary of seeing. Bella, perfectly pale staring back at me with crimson red eyes.

"No! That is not what this is about! She deserves better than this."

It took them a split second to process my meaning.

"This is what she wants," Alice said angrily. "How is it possible that you are still so in denial about this inevitability?"

She wasn't the only one upset. Their thoughts accosted me like a barrage of bullets.

_Have you thought at all about the kind of marriage you would have if we didn't take her?_

_She would always be getting older, how could we live somewhere with a 40 year old woman married to a 17 year old boy?_

_Dude, you have not thought this through._

_You cannot possibly think she'll be okay with that._

_Didn't you promise Aro that you would do it? What if they come after her, after us?_

_What an idiot! This is so perfect! I almost feel bad for her..._

"ENOUGH!" I couldn't take it anymore.

They stared at me confused and concerned, their thoughts whispering the same concerns over and over again in my head. Alice kept shooting me images of our life together, me and my now vampire bride, but I was trying to concentrate on someone else. Carlisle had never been one to try to block his thoughts from me by mixing them up, but he was trying to do it now. I looked at him, confused.

"This needs to be a decision that you and Bella make and we will go along with whatever you two decide." I could tell that meant he thought that Bella and I should decide, but that we should do it. I couldn't help feeling betrayed. Without Carlisle on my side, I knew that I wasn't going to get anyone but Rose to agree with me, and her reasons were so skewed that I couldn't even bare think of trying to team up with her for this fight.

I didn't want to think about this right now. I came home for a reason. Jasper was unintentionally turning their anger into the concern he felt and it allowed me to get away. I didn't have time for this. If she woke up even for one second and I wasn't there she would flip out and I couldn't afford that right now. She needed me to be there. I would have to deal with this mess later.

I bounded upstairs to my closet, quickly unlocked the safe and retrieved what I was looking for. It was a small, blue velvet box. I hesitated before picking it up, smiling at my memory of the angel in white walking towards me. I quickly changed my clothes and, instead of going back downstairs I opened my window and jumped out. As I ran back towards my sleeping beauty I could hear their silent final pleas before they faded completely.

_Edward, don't be stubborn. She wants this. Why can't you see that?_

_Think of how much fun it would be to have a newborn in the house…_

_You don't want to push her away so soon after you won her back…_

_I still don't see how a marriage would work without her transforming…_

_You need to go into this conversation with an open heart and an open mind, not determined to prevent it…_

I was never more thankful for the silence. Why were they doing this? Every one of us hated what we were, it was why we chose to live as we did… in denial of it. Why do they want this for her? I don't care if she grows older than me. It's not important to me. She only thinks she wants this but she doesn't.

I stopped dead in my path. Carlisle was right. I was doing it again. I was trying to determine her fate for her yet again. Hadn't I just sworn that I wouldn't do this anymore? Hadn't I just promised myself that Bella was going to have a say from now on? But this, of all things, was the one thing I have been fighting against for her since the beginning, since Alice had the first vision of the pale beauty with the red eyes.

How could this be for the best? Then again, how could I in good conscience deny her anything she asks from this point forward? She deserves anything she wants, but does she deserve this? Would she ask again? Carlisle was right, I needed to be more open minded about this, and hopefully she would be, too. Maybe her apprehension would keep her from wanting it now. I could live with that. It would give us more time to make a decision.

The thought renewed me. Time was good, we could decide together. She would get more human experiences and I would get time to try and talk her out of it. I wasn't ready to think of the possibility of what I would do if I failed to convince her, but that was the beauty of still having time to decide, I didn't have to worry about this yet. For now, all I have to worry about is reassuring her that I am not going anywhere unless she sends me away… another possibility I did not want to waste time considering.

I ran at top speed the rest of the way to her house, not wanting to be away a moment longer. Thankfully she was right where I left her and I quickly removed my jacket, with the ring tucked safely inside, and regained my previous position on her bed. As I watched her dream I slipped into a sort of dream myself, thinking of all the ways I could ask her to be my wife. It had been months, seven actually, since I had felt this peaceful.

No, I didn't deserve this, but I was asking for it anyway. Who did I think I was?


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does**.** I only own the parts of this story not taken from her works.**

____________________________________

_Edward_

Countless possible opportunities for my proposal drifted in and out of my head throughout the night. They were so distracting that I hadn't noticed the sky lightening until the familiar sounds of my beloved waking from her sleep met my ears. My arms were wrapped around her and as she became aware of my presence her pulse started racing and she drew a sharp breath.

I hadn't been anticipating this kind of anxiety, and it made me more upset than ever at myself. She was surprised to find me still there. I would never be able to forgive myself for destroying her trust like that. But then again, I should have expected this. I was letting my wedding daydreams cloud the reality of our situation. We still had a lot of work to do… no, _I_ still had a lot of work to do. I needed to start now. One step at a time.

First, remind her I'm still here and that I still love her. "Good morning, my love."

She turned around to face me and smiled, another genuine smile that sparkled in her eyes. This was a good way to start.

"It is good. The best morning I've had in a long time." She was still smiling but I could feel the uneasiness in her body. She was tense and her heart was still racing. I kissed her on the forehead and felt her jump, almost involuntarily. But she still looked happy. There was a lot I still had to learn about what she was going through.

She moved to get out of bed but I wasn't ready to let her go yet. "Not so fast, Ms. Swan." I was yearning to pick up where we had left off last night.

"I'll be right back. Human minute…" Of course. She had always thought it necessary to brush her teeth in the morning before I kissed her, as if any kind of imagined smell on her breath could over power the fire that took over my throat when our lips touched. But she couldn't understand that, and hopefully she never would. But I wasn't worrying about that yet.

"I'll be right here waiting for you when you get back." I said it solemnly, making sure she understood that I meant it for this morning and for every morning, ever after. Her face twisted in a way I did not understand while her pulse quickened. She turned and practically ran to the bathroom leaving me completely confused.

The confusion lasted only a moment. She was anxious again, apprehensive. That had to be it. A year ago I would have given anything for her to be this nervous, cautious around me. I always wondered how she could know the truth about what I was, what my family was, and never feel scared or uneasy. More than that, she trusted us, she trusted me. She gave me her trust blindly, no strings attached and what did I do with it? I threw it in her face by telling her the one lie I should have known she would believe and destroyed her.

There was little doubt about it, she was destroyed. This was not the Bella I left in the woods. She had changed, saddened, grown up and it was all my fault. I didn't know if I would ever be able to undo the damage that I had done but I was never more certain that I owed it to her to try. She had just finished brushing her teeth and would be on her way up soon. I decided to make the bed and tidy up a bit before she returned.

I made the bed, hung up a few shirts that were draped over the chair and straightened the piles of papers and books that surrounded her ancient PC. I was really going to have to try and talk her into letting me replace that thing. Then I realized she hadn't moved since I started all of my tidying up and, though I was moving at vampire speed, it was still a long time to not move.

I heard her gasp. She was crying. In less than a heartbeat I was outside the bathroom door. It took everything I had to not just burst in but, since I couldn't be sure she wanted me around at the moment, since it was certainly my fault she was shedding tears, I paused and knocked lightly.

"Bella?"

"Come in." She had to whisper, she couldn't even speak. I burst through the door and swept her up, planting kisses and trying to dry her eyes. She kept sobbing, hardly able to breathe at times. I was heartbroken, knowing that I had done this to the one person who had brought me more happiness than I had ever thought possible. She needed to get it out; she had already tried speaking once or twice to no avail. I grabbed a towel out of the closet and wrapped it around her before I set us both down on the floor, her in my lap surrounded by my arms. I rested my chin on her shoulders, cursing myself for letting this happen.

Finally, she regained control of her breathing and the tears stopped. She just kept staring forward. "I'm so sorry. I'm trying…"

She couldn't be serious. She was actually apologizing to me for, what, not being strong enough? For crying? I would never deserve this selfless beauty.

"Bella," I couldn't keep the anger from my voice, anger at myself, "you do not owe me any kind of apology. Now or ever. I could spend the rest of my life apologizing to you and it would never make up for what I did."

I could feel her jump again. She hadn't let me get my apology out last night so now would be a good time to tell her how I was feeling.

"Bella, I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself for what I did. I never thought I was capable of hurting you like this. I know I keep saying that I thought it was best. I thought that, if I just told you I didn't love you, you would be able to move on and have a chance at a happy, human life. I had so many wishes for you, wishes for things that I would never have been able to provide. Children, a place to settle down for more than a few years…" this one hurt, "someone to grow old with. You deserve all of those things that humans look forward to and that I cannot give.

"But I was a fool, Bella. I know now that you suffered like I did when I was away from you. You are my other half and I missed you every second of every day. But I had a consolation that you didn't. I see that now. It had been my choice, so I felt like I deserved my pain because I brought it on myself. I didn't give you that luxury. I ripped your world out from under your feet and never gave you a say. But that is going to change, I promise that…"

"The rest of your life or the rest of mine?" She cut me off.

"What?"

"You could apologize to me for the rest of my life or the rest of yours?" I did not like where this was going.

"Bella…"

"It's a simple question." That cold sense of dread started to overtake my body.

"Is that what this is about?"

"You've avoided the subject since we got back. Between what happened on my birthday and what Aro threatened in Italy, I think there is evidence enough that it would be for the best."

No. I was supposed to have time to decide this. "Bella you know why I don't want to do it."

"Yes, you're worried about my soul." Her voice was cold and sarcastic. She still wouldn't look at me.

"That's not fair." Why did she always seem to think that it was ridiculous for me to be concerned about her soul? Like I should somehow want to turn her into a monster…

"You know I don't feel that way and I don't see you as the monster that you call yourself. I am sick of being babied constantly, of being told that I can't do this or that because I am too fragile. I am sick of holding you back and worrying constantly that your family will come to some kind of harm because they are keeping a pet human in the house."

There were probably some good reasons to do it, but this was not one of them. "Bella we would gladly face any threat to keep you safe."

"But why can't you understand that I would never ask you to when there was an alternative. It kills me that I have to." There I go again, hurting her unintentionally. "They all, well maybe not Rose, but everyone else… they want this for me. But you don't." You would have thought she had been there. But she was right. Except for Rosalie, who didn't really count, everyone else I loved was okay with destroying the innocence of my soul mate, including she herself.

"I feel so helpless, like I have no control over my own life. I can't stand it sometimes. This is _my life_ we're talking about and I'm tired of not being the one that gets to decided what happens to it."

Her words cut deep. It was the exact same argument I had been making with myself, but to hear it confirmed in her accusation was a hard blow to take. So this was it, this is what has been holding her back. I wasn't ready to give up just yet…

"If you truly believed that something would damn for eternity the soul of the person you loved more than life itself, would you do it?" I couldn't keep the pain from my voice.

I thought this would stall her, but she snapped back, "if it meant keeping that person safe and… and being able to spend more than a few human years with them I would at least be willing to consider it."

Suddenly everything became clear. She saw in this act what I saw in my proposal: an eternal commitment. She felt like I was keeping something from her, like I was denying her something. Time. She had it so wrong but could I continue to deny her something she felt like she needed so bad?

"You think I haven't considered it?" I couldn't bring my voice above a whisper and subconsciously pulled her closer to me. "You think I haven't struggled with the thought of it every single day? Nothing, absolutely nothing, would make me happier than to spend eternity with you." God, I hope she can see that! "I know even more than you that a human lifetime would never be enough with you but I felt like I was saving you from a fate worse than that by insisting you not be changed. I always saw it as my saving you from something you didn't know you never wanted, not as my holding you back or trying to control you."

The cliché "tension was so think you could cut it with a knife" was never more appropriate as I awaited her response. She breathed in…

"Edward, I need you to understand that we'll never get over this unless we can agree here and my mind is unchangeably made up. It was made up the moment I decided to tie my fate with yours." She turned her head to look into my eyes, my soul. "I need you to do this for me and I need you to do it before I get too much older."

I couldn't move or react. This was an ultimatum and she was waiting for an explicit answer. The time I had been fooling myself into thinking I had was now up. I knew I didn't have the strength to tell her no, as much as I had hoped that she would decide that way on her own. I knew that this was it. I was about to promise to take the life of my heart, my other half, and turn her into a monster. I would never stop trying to talk her out of it, but I also knew that I would never be able to tell her absolutely no again. Part of me wanted to die.

At that moment, though, part of me also felt relieved. I would have her forever and she would be safe, so there were positives to this situation. Forever. While she was laying all of her cards out on the table, I might as well throw mine down, too. If I was going to do this to her, I planned to do it right. I planned to first prove my never (ever) ending love by asking her to be my wife, properly, because she deserved everything that was right and proper. This was as good a time as any other.

How do I start? She kept her hold on my eyes, waiting for my response. I knew she wasn't going to budge.

"Can we negotiate?" Really, was that the best I could come up with?

"I won't change my mind."

"I can see that." Here we go. "And I will agree…" she breathed on sharply and a mixture of surprise and relief started spreading onto her face. She looked hopeful, and despite myself I was happy to be able to give her some of that again. But I needed to throw my terms in the mix. If she rejected them, I knew I would give in anyway, but she needed to honestly understand my expectations. "…if you promise me two things."

She was instantly suspicious. It was adorable. "First, you must put up with my trying to talk you out of it because I will never stop worrying about your soul." I wanted her to honestly understand the beginning, and end, of my objections to this plan.

"I can agree to that as long as I am only putting up with talk and not with intentional stalling." As much as I wanted to keep this serious, I couldn't stop my smile. Tiger-kitten was back.

"Agreed."

"And second?"

This was it. I hesitated slightly, but I don't even think she noticed. The moment had to be now. "We need to go back to your room."

I picked her up and carried her back to the bed, placing her gently down. She had no clue, which was a good sign. I bolted to my jacket to retrieve the blue velvet box from my pocket. As I got down on one knee in front of her it hit her. She was practically hyperventilating.

"Oh my…"

I could only smile. I loved into the chocolate brown eyes of my beloved.

"My second term is this: Isabella Swan, would you make me the happiest man that ever walked this planet and consent to be my wife?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: This has been a lot of fun, thank you so much for your support. Please let me know what you think of this final chapter, conclusions have always been my weak point. I am open to revision suggestions.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does**.** I only own the parts of this story not taken from her works.**

_Edward_

For the first time in nearly a hundred years, time stopped for me. I had been counting on Alice being right, as much as I didn't want to admit it, and her hesitation completely threw me off. What could be the meaning of this? Was she doubting me again? She had to be, but I had just agreed to give her the one thing I had been fighting against since the beginning, didn't that count for anything?

She looked like she was going to be sick for the second time today. Great, I was really doing a good job with this new make Bella happy every minute of every day plan I had been trying to work on. She also looked completely thrown off. I had thought that surprise would be a good thing but apparently not with new Bella. Another thing to remember for the future… no, Bella had never really cared for elaborate surprises. Maybe she thought the ring was over the top. Then again, after I explain that it was my mother's I'm sure she'll be ok with it. At least I didn't spend any money on it. I always pretended like she would get used to my spontaneous gifts but that hasn't really happened. It probably wouldn't, she said Charlie was the same way.

Charlie, he probably wouldn't be happy about this. I should have thought to talk to him first, but Bella seemed like the type who would prefer that she get the first crack at turning me down. Maybe she knew he wouldn't be happy that and it was part of the reason behind her hesitation. No doubt, it would be a tough sell, especially since he hates me so much right now, but then again surely Charlie would understand that, by making this kind of commitment I was ensuring that I would never leave again…

It hit me hard. How could I have forgotten that? Of course Charlie, and probably even Bella, wouldn't see marriage as an unbreakable commitment. Bella's parents had been very in love, married, they even had a child and one of them still left. Charlie had never even really gotten over it, although Bella's mother had gotten remarried. And Bella left her house soon after it, so that wasn't really a good sign of her support.

Idiot! How could you not have seen this! Bella would not see this as your sign of eternal love, she would see it as your asking her to do the thing that ruined her father's life and drove her away from her mother. Was there no end to the ways I was going to screw this up today?

I immediately began thinking of ways to make this right. I would have to start by apologizing for being an insensitive ass and then explain what I meant by it. I am sure she would understand that. Taking the offer off the table seemed like the only fair thing to do. How could I even think it would be ok to even try to lay conditions before her about this? I owed it to her, she completely deserved anything she asked for. She asked for this and I tried to qualify it. She did not deserve this and I do not deserve her.

I was taking it back, preparing to start my apology when something in her look changed that made me stop.

____________________________________

_Fast as lightening, he went to his jacket and pulled something out of the pocket. It was a small blue velvet box and I was very confused… until he dropped onto one knee in front of me._

"_Oh my…" Suddenly it was getting harder to breathe again. _

"_My second term is this: Isabella Swan, would you make me the happiest man that ever walked this planet and consent to be my wife?" _

_Oh crap._

____________________________________

_Bella_

I did not see that coming.

Marriage, ugh. I haven't had the best experiences with that institution and I would never understand why people thought it necessary. It just made things confusing in the end... if there was an end which I guess would be the point, there's not supposed to be but it usually doesn't work out that way. That word, that designation just makes everything so much more complicated.

I could imagine the look on my mother's face when I told her that her 18 year old daughter was going to marry her high school sweetheart… in Forks, of all places. Even worse, I could imagine the look on Charlie's face when I told him I was going to marry Edward Cullen, the man who had abandoned his daughter alone in the woods; when I told Charlie I was going to leave his house for Edward's. Renee's reaction would be nothing compared to Charlie's. I would probably get to see what happens when you try to shoot a vampire which would lead to another, even more disturbing conversation with him.

And what would everyone in town think? Oh lucky Bella. After crying and pouting and throwing a hissy fit for months over this boy, she's instantly forgiving him for leaving her and, what's more, marrying him. I would never be able to speak to Jessica and probably Mike ever again. I can see them rolling their eyes, taking bets on how long it will last this time. They can't understand what Edward and I have.

That was the problem. People, myself included, too often see marriage as a kind of fix-all for their relationship problems. Did Edward? Did he think that I needed this kind of commitment for him to regain my trust? If he just agreed to change me, it would be the same thing in my book. I was growing more and more confident that we could be happy again, be wholly ourselves again once I was changed. Why couldn't that be enough? We just needed time, our wounds couldn't heal instantly and there was nothing wrong with admitting that.

Was this too much to ask of me? Could I refuse even if I wanted to? What was he thinking?!?

Of course Edward, Mr. Chivalry would want a proper marriage. As much as the idea of being 18 and married disgusted me, his earnestness was adorable and his old-fashioned sense of propriety was one of my favorite things about him. That's probably what this was, his 1918 ideas of virtue and love. It was irresistibly charming and stomach turning, remarkably at the same time.

Seriously, what is wrong with me? Most girls dream every night for a guy, no for a gentleman, with values and a sense of respect like this and I have been sitting here thinking of ways to tell him his traditional values are seriously misplaced. I knew that this man, my agonizingly beautiful other half, would be crushed if I said no. His values weren't misplaced, mine were and I knew it.

What I was asking for was something he definitely was not totally on board with, he was ignoring his own conscious to appease me. Marriage (or, in a perfect world, just a plain, eternal, loving relationship) is about compromising, about each party being willing to give up something they don't necessarily want to give in order to reach common ground. This was my first lesson in the subject. He was giving me something he would rather not have to and I knew that I ought to do the same.

His eyes were starting to fall. He had began with such excitement, such confidence. He was growing doubtful and it was one of the saddest things I had ever seen in his eyes. It took every ounce of control I had to not jump into his arms at that moment but somehow I kept myself composed. I smiled. He was so beautiful.

"Deal."

I hardly got the word out before his lips were on mine. Somewhere in the middle of that passionate kiss I felt him place the ring on my finger. I didn't even look at it because I was already holding the most beautiful gem in the world.

As he held my hand and pulled himself away from my kiss, I knew that it was going to be alright, that we were going to be alright. Maybe not today or next week, but we were going to make it. He promised to stay with me forever, to love me forever and that was what I needed him to commit to. We each got our own assurance of that commitment which, I think, is what we needed all along.


End file.
